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Real talk: I cried on at least two different occasions this last week because I don't want my baby to grow up. Before I had Billie, I remembered women saying things like that and I'd just roll my eyes (maybe 'cuz I'm a brat but also maybe because I just didn't quite understand it all until now). In the first few weeks after I had Billie, I lived in this weird limbo of "I can't wait until she's bigger and she can (insert random baby activity here)," and "She's getting big. I don't want her to get big!? What do I do!?"

It's weird being a mom, okay? It's weird because you're so happy that your baby is growing and thriving but also, on a deeper level, you're dreading the day when they won't need you as much as they need you now. This week I heard the phrase, "You're living in the good ol' days now," and it really resonated with me. These are the moments I'll look back on when I'm old and gray. The moments we are creating together each day are the moments I'll treasure for a lifetime.

I'll always remember that goofy lil' two-toothed grin. I'm always remember the way those soft, sweet, chubby cheeks feel against my lips when I kiss them over and over and over again. I'll remember the sound of that perfect baby giggle. I'll remember the way her little hands close around my fingers and how she insists on walking everywhere on her own two feet. I'll remember the way her big, blue eyes light up every time Tay comes home from work. I'll remember her arm rolls and her leg rolls and the way they make me wanna squeeze her SO tight. I'll remember it all. These are the good old days.

I'm in this little "funk" right now where the whole concept of Billie getting older is really trying me (hence all the crying, lol). I keep trying to find different ways to slow time down in order to prolong the days I'll get to spend with her, just the two of us. But I keep having these mind-blowing moments where I'll look at her and she's so, so big. She's so, so grown up. And despite my efforts to slow it all down, somehow, time seems as if it keeps on speeding up. 

When I was looking through the viewfinder on my camera and composing these shots, I was hit pretty hard by the reality that my baby is becoming less of a baby and more of a toddler. Her cheeks and her thighs are slimming out (believe it or not). New teeth keep popping through. She likes to do things by herself. She copies the faces and sounds I make. She has her own opinions. She has a sense of humor. She's a little person who thinks and feels just like I do. It's incredible to watch her grow.

I don't think there's any way to really prepare yourself for the odd emotional challenges you'll find yourself facing in your journey of motherhood. But there's also no way of knowing the immense happiness, joy, pride, love, and so many other bright, vibrant things you'll feel when you become a mother. Every day is a new (and very unpredictable) adventure-- that's the beauty of it. We learn together, we grow together, we become together. 

Maybe I'm a mess most of the time these days, but that's okay. Feelings are neither bad nor good, they just are. So I'll let them come into my life when they please; I'll learn to embrace and learn from each new set of emotional circumstances. This chapter of my life has been one of the most beautiful chapters yet and I'm just grateful to be here. 

Everything in my life prior to the present prepared me to be in these moments, right now. And these moments, right now, will prepare me to be in the moments that are yet to come. Life happens just as it's supposed to. The important thing is finding purpose and happiness in the little moments of life as the pages slowly continue to turn.


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